Divorcing my Phone

This article is an epilogue to an interesting forward that has been circulating in ‘watsapp’. It starts with the sentence ‘I decided to get a divorce in 2014’. As you read full on, expecting a juicy tale of a broken marriage, a completely different plot unfolds. The creator of the message goes ahead and says its his doomed iphone that he wishes to get a divorce from. He goes on to tell the story of how his smart phone has taken up an enduring space in his life and how it is actually stealing away the precious time that his family deserves.

It was indeed a very thought provoking read. I am a person who ‘used to’ spend quite a large chunk of my waking time with my phone in the virtual world. Yes, you heard it right – I meant to say “used to” (well not because I was suddenly enlightened by reading the forward that I decided to put my phone away). Basically, I guess most of us belonging to mine or the younger generation are so used to this. It has become a newly found hobby to us. We have all on a sudden switched over to the virtual world - face book or twitter, Instagram  – engaging ourselves and finding fun in virtual debates and altercations.  Of course this has improved our connect tremendously and the communication has improved.

Owing to the ‘not so sudden enlightenment’ I have had, I realised that I along with many others was gradually going into smart phone abuse rather than usage. It had become more of a habit for me, while I watched a movie, while I was at work, while I was talking to someone. I could hardly exist without the whatsapp groups where my friends and family shared keenly on their day to day stuff. But while we are connected to all these people living across the world, we are probably losing out on what is happening around us – probably at our home, our office, our neighbourhood.

10 years back probably we had not thought that phones would become such an integral part of our lives. Today, they have changed our lives drastically – way beyond our imaginations. So the next time you are out with your friends/family make sure that you switch off the mobile data/turn off the wi-fi and talk to ‘real people’.

Well, these are just my views. You are free to agree to disagree. Happy reading...!! 

Being a woman...!!

Hows it like being a woman??!!. Every single second of my life, I have always felt proud being a woman. I have never felt that my woman hood stops me from achieving something in life. Today's woman is perceived to be nothing less than a 'super woman'. She works 8 hrs a day (if only more) shoulder to shoulder with her male counterparts, where she is faced with extremely challenging situations as her male counterparts. She also has to face that 'khadoos boss' or an irritating colleague.

She is expected to be back home on time, prepare a four course dinner and manage the household chores, manage the kids single handed. Its like we are put on a marathon. After one point of time (of course marriage) you are supposed to just run. There is no time where in you can just stop, sit back and spent some time for yourself.

I remember one of my married friends telling me, "enjoy your time now Poorni. Once you are married, you would never get time for yourself."

Yes, I am a woman. I work shoulder to shoulder with my male counterparts, and to be in the race I need to outperform them. Yea I am a woman...!! But the society sees me through a colored glass. "You are a woman...you are not supposed to stay late, if you do...then your security is your responsibility". Is it a crime being a woman??

A teen was molested in public by a mob in Guwahati, right on our streets? What are we coming to. Shame on us India, shame on the media...who stood there recording the whole incident rather than trying to act. The justification given by the spokesperson of that particular media was 'our camera person and reporter couldn't do anything as they were a mob of 20 people'; the same statement proved wrong when the reporter said, what started of with 6 boys later turned to 20.

As far as the media were concerned, they had struck gold. Airing footage of a woman being molested  by a bunch of criminal minds was definitely something that would send their TRPs sky rocketing. To all those people who said, 'she was partying late into night, she invited trouble'. Come on...!! I thought we were living in a free country. Just because I am a woman, you cannot compromise my right to decision.

Every other instance, when an attack occurs over a woman, the media celebrates it for some time till they get  another 'political juicy drama' or a terrorist attack. Then everything is gone for good.

In a country where Jessica Lall was shot dead in the wee hours in a bar, where a bunch of mad people bet up women in a pub in Mangalore in the name of moral policing, where a battered Baby Falak succumbed to Cardiac arrest, where every 26  minutes a woman is molested, every 34 minutes a woman is raped, I feel sick to say that 'I am a Woman'.






You work shoulder to shoulder with your male counterparts. 

The so called 'moral police force'

"Man beaten up by mob commits suicide over alleged extra marital relation" - not a headline that would take up more than 5 mins of a news bulletin these days. Consciously or sub consciously we are getting used to this whole idea of moral policing. We don't take a second off to think that we need to learn to respect some one else's private life.

Recently I had gone house hunting and the kind of person whom I bumped into has made me write this. I was so desperate of finding a new place that I decided to try out my friend's idea of walk into the apartment and enquire with the watch man or the care taker whether flats were available for rent. I walked into this newly constructed building and after enquiry at the gate, I was directed to the office of the 'site in charge'.

I introduced myself to the pleasant looking young man who was sitting behind the table and explained my requirements. Having listened to me very patiently he made a random search for the keys and suggested that I meet the site supervisor, since the keys might be with him. After waiting for about 10 mins, I was introduced to a very arrogant middle aged man.

Before I could open my mouth, he started questioning me in a fashion which reminded me of the police interrogation sessions in movies.

"Family?"

"No...3 ladies."

"Fine...but no gents are allowed in." He ordered as I wondered whether I was going to be a tenant in an apartment I rented out for or some college hostel.

"Ok..it will be just the three.." He wouldn't let me complete

"Everyone says so in the beginning, but they start bringing in 'boy friends' once they shift in."

I couldn't still make out what some one did in their very private space affect him.

I couldn't get a glimpse of the apartment even though I went through the whole do's and dont's list. Apart from recollecting this in a humorous perspective, an instance which my friend narrated to me later did justify his reactions to some extend. 'A man was found in a 'compromising position' in an apartment in where the occupants were few non keralite girls working for an IT giant. What followed resembled nothing less than a masala movie. Arguments and counter arguments between the residents and the 'guy', cops were called in and finally some how the issue was hushed up.

As we discussed this issue in our circle, I could hear different opinions and even different 'versions' to the same story. Many got into discussions about 'morality' and supposed cultural degradation. But I had a different observation to the whole occurrence. I really couldn't understand on what basis could some one interfere into another person's private space. I really couldn't digest the integrity of the neighbors who were so keen on finding out what was actually going on.

When will we learn to respect some one else's personal life. But the provocation could be, to put in my friends own words "nammal kanji kudikkumbol appurathu irikkunnavan biryani kazhikkunnathu sahikkumo". Translating it for my non-keralite friends, "how would you feel when you are having porridge while the other person has a five course meal."

I guess its high time that we react. The more you succumb, the more the people will push you.

The disappearing wedding vows...!!

I was surprised to run into this friend of mine in the middle of my shopping spree. I used the term surprised, because I didn't expect to see her in Trivandrum. We were together in college and she got married to the love of her life immediately after college. It was a nice big wedding, which we all attended and blessed them of a long, happy and fulfilling life.

They had a tale of 5 year long relationship to be retold at their wedding. I still remember their days of courtship, while we were still in college. All the hours they used to spend over phone, the surprise gifts that arrived on Valentine's day, birthdays. Theirs was a relationship we all used to envy, but say "touch wood, this stays forever".

After the wedding, she traveled abroad with her husband. Pictures of their cozy life flooded FB and they were branded as one of the "happily ever after" couples of a fairy tale. As I myself had a stage where in I decided to stay away from FB and friends, it didn't surprise me the fact I had lost contact with most of my friends. Life went on.

She was a jovial person in college. In a place where you had 'gangs', she surprised all of us by being friends with all. She was very popular among friends. But today, the person standing in front of me looked completely different. She looked suddenly very old. The person whom I have never seen without a wide grin on her face, barely managed a smile when she saw me. I felt very odd talking to her. Maybe she also felt the same about meeting me that we both found excuses to make a quick exit.

Later that evening, she pinged me in FB. Casually I checked her profile. Her profile no longer carried any pics of her, except the one she had as profile picture. Her relationship status has been removed. I felt it quite odd.

With the kind of behavior she had put up with me that day, I was trying to limit my talks to a casual hello. But what followed was shocking.

"Poorni, I didn't talk to you much today because I was not prepared". She said.

"Prepared for what? For God's sake, we were in the same class for a few years yaar". I made no attempt to hide my disappointment.

"Well...I am going through a bad phase in my life."

I cooled down a bit. I know how it feels like so stopped egging her for more information.

"I am getting divorced".

I re-read the statement, just to make sure that I had read it right. For a fraction of second, I doubted my reasoning skills. Am I in some kind of trance? This couldn't be. I mean...this couldn't just happen. They were the best and happiest couple ever.

"Oh Ok."

"So what else is happening? So you working in Trivandrum?"

Often we don't have any idea of how our reactions could hurt others, beyond our wildest imagination. I didn't want to discuss much with her. If she felt comfortable talking about it, I knew she would go on. Or else, it was none of my business to know what went wrong.

"Ya...I am working here. I wanted to move out of all those sympathetic words and statements. You don't know what all people speak."

"I can understand that dear".

I know this is not an incident worth blogging, but why I consider this worth blogging is the increasing number of similar people I have been running into.

Another friend who is very close to me, gave me the shock of my life when she confided in me that her marriage was over. She was bold enough to have covered it behind a sweet smile.

I found it shocking, when some one confided in me that she was a divorcee. I felt proud about my friend, who considered it her ill fate and moved forward in life, leaving behind the ghosts of a bad marriage.

Our women have managed to hoist themselves on their own. All are focusing their attention on their career now.

Though we call ourselves to be part of a "highly civilised educated and sophisticated society", we still have double standards. Why do we look at divorcees through a coloured lens? This could happen to any one tomorrow. You, me, your daughter, sister, anyone. I have heard people making statements at these women's 'inability to pull together the strings of a marriage' to her integrity.

Lets try and accept this fact guys. When two individuals start living together (even if they have known each other all their lives), differences could pop up. They definitely do make sincere attempts to sort things out. But some times it just doesn't work out. Its something absolutely personal.

Rather than, looking at them sympathetically or making statements about their integrity lets extend our support to them; a word of comfort would go a long away. If that's not possible, lets just keep our mouths shut.

Washed out

I was discussing my school days with my all time friend Shivani. We have known each other since school days. We both have seen each other grow up from tiny little kids who used to weep at the corridors of school on the first day of school to becoming independent working women. Few months down the line, I would be escorting her to her groom.

As kids we always wanted to grow up because then we thought, adults led a happier life. They didn't have to attend school, never wanted to do home work and never be worried about exams and the worse results. Things didn't get much better in college either contradicting our expectations; we both went to colleges which were renowned for their ''discipline''. Where we expected to bunk classes, we felt threatened by the fact that 40% weightage was assigned for attendance. Where we had plans of sleeping peacefully after college, we were threatened by the assignments, presentations, case studies blah..blah. Where we thought, your faculty would be like 'exams and results are your responsibility; study if you want to", we were threatened by the n number of quizzes and online tests (of course all these accounted for our internal marks) we were supposed to attend,

During my MBA days, I remember there were times when we slept at 3 AM in the morning, woke up at 7 AM and were in class by sharp 8. We had a rule which goes "the last person to enter the class and first person to leave the class would (should) be the Faculty". Thanks to our punctual faculty members, we found us beaten down at 7:59 in class probably having skipped breakfast.

In the sessions that follow, they would be discussing the struggle of Narayana Murthy in founding Infosys or how Lakshmi Mittal started it all from scratch. It would always be an add on statement "You have the potential. You can be really some where."

I swear, that's the statement you would hear probably all the way down till your retirement. Or may be, even on your retirement day they would still say "you have more potential left in you."

As kids, we had different ambitions. We wanted to be something else. What trigerred off my thoughts on this was a name mentioned by Sivani in our conversation.

"Do you know where J is these days?"

The name was quite popular in our batch, no not just our batch, but in the whole school, definitely for the right reason. She was the school topper. We discussed her not because of her outstanding performance in school, but because of the attitude she carried. If you by any chance happen to score higher than her, she would cut off from you completely until the next exam where in she would be the topper again.

"She used to say that she wanted to take up Medicine as her stream an then go in for higher studies in Cardio".

We tried searchng her in FB, but little luck.

Having left this conversation, some where in our head as we moved on with our routine life, I was really surprised rather shocked to hear about her from another school mate.

She got married off immediately after her 12th and now is a divorced mother of two.

The irony in life, looks strange but cruel at times. Often we don't end up getting what we wanted or being what we wanted. Its foolishness to expect it.

The best way out would be to 'be prepared for worst in life'.

Wounded knees and broken hearts....!!

Its very much ironical that as kids we have always wanted to grow up. All of us in some or the other way have tried imitating our elders, in a feeble attempt to gain acceptance in this society, where our world then was limited to books and toys. As kids, where our choices were side lined, our opinions were taken lightly...somewhere deep in the heart we all must have wished...if i was old enough..!!
Bang...the years have gone by...and now...I am an adult...very much an adult in the sense that I have a sword hung up right above my head...every time I make a decision. God...how much ever i wish if i was a kid...how much ever i wish if some one was there to make a decision for me, for as much as i am forced to take a decision so am i assumed to take up the responsibilites for its consequences.
Looking ahead, worry is all that I have now. Down the road I cant see what life has in store for me...!!!
Now I wish, once again I could be a kid...Broken knees were far better than wounded hearts...!!!

Everything happens for a reason....!!!!

Definitely a well versed thought that eludes positiveness. But is it right to sit upright and say that everything and anything happens for a reason????

What reason can be attributed for the killings in the name of terrorism? The brutal gang rape of a tribal girl, right in front of the eyes of her husband!!!!The beating up of females in a pub, when their male counterparts watched it in resilience.

What greater good has all the above happened for rather than bringing shame and disgust to the whole country and its people. A country which claims to have a culture that dates back to perhaps times immemorial, such incidents can only tarnish our image. Positive thinking is absolutely necessary for our very survival. But at certain times, it becomes a bane rather than a boon to us. Because of our strong belief in the "greater good" principle, we often forget to stand up against certain things, which requires our strong reaction.

There are certain things in life, which are beyond our control. To take up my very own example, my elder brother passed away in an accident seven years ago, which can perhaps be called as my first encounter with the so-called fate. Well, we (my family and myself) didn't have an option rather than to accept the fact and move ahead.

But look around yourself for a while. Numerous incidents have been hushed up and perhaps even ignored, due to our "resilient nature". (Remember the numerous BPO murders, the Noida serial killings and many more). Once the incident disappears from the lime light, we also move ahead with our "very busy" every day life.

We are often taken for granted. I don't have solid statistics to quote in here, on the crime that is happening in our country. I can say for sure without any statistical evidence that the crime rates are shooting up in our country.


Its with much embarrassment I quote one of my friends, who once said "increasing crime rates are part of the development of the nation." What does this reflect? Our growing selfishness or resilience or our strong belief in the "greater good" principle. Have we started taking up the crime rates also as an indicator for national growth, along with GDP and stock market indices? We deliberately try to put aside the fact that it can happen to us tomorrow, or perhaps our near and dear ones.

Think over it guys...

Keep smiling

Poorni